It is what I have become.

someday. someday i want to wake up with arms free of burdens.
i want to wake up and feel the world as it slowly creeps into sight.
i want to feel the sun in the morning, feeling the glow from unimaginable distances, slowly warm the altitudes of my face.
i want to hear beautiful words being spoken to me as i smile, gently knowing that this is the life i chose to lead.
I want to wake up to the comfort in knowing that i too am loved.

I want to head out into my day with my head held high, so high i avoid the undoubted fear that secretly grabs at my every being. I want to write with passion. Write the words as i hear them being spoken ever so softly behind my eyes. I want to twist the words i say so that every minute word i utter is dipped in ungodly beauty, begging those that read what i have to say to hear more, more MORE!
I want to know that the life I have chosen for myself is not a mere accident, a well laid plan gone askew. I want to soak in all that is around me, only to absorb it into my fibers. Regurgitate it when it is necessary, to show the beauty to those around me who seek it.

I desire to wake up and feel that i am loved, by those around me and most importantly, by the reflection i see in the mirror. I long to be loved, when in all reality, i am longing to love myself. I cannot just accept who i am, there are too many flaws that stand out ever so unpleasantly. I see in those around me, that that i wish to be. I wish them to be me. I wish to hide in my own skin so that i may become someone else; someone others can be proud to know.
I want to see in myself that which i see in others. I want to see beauty. Not beauty that the world has chosen to depict, but that which radiates from within, that enables you to hold the confidence it takes to get you through your dreams, and into your future. I want to feel like i am important, that my life is not some accident.

If you were to ask me what direction my life is heading in, i would sadly shake my head, place my hands over my scrambled face, and slowly begin to sob.
not so long ago i thought i had myself figured out. I had my life figured out. I knew what i was doing, where my path was beginning to go...
only to second guess my new found confidence.

Now i find myself in a cave of the unknown. I do not know where my life is heading. I see all those around me with goals, accomplishments, and even careers. ME? Im sitting alone in a room, full of objects i surround my depressing self with, hoping that someday i can become that which i long to be.
Everyone said i was going to be someone someday. I think their words were nothing more that disguised curses. All that thought i was going to be something someday, slowly drained the success out of me with every phrase of praise they threw my way.

Won't they be shocked to see what an organized disaster i have become.
a secret meltdown.
a failure.