Back to me

He is sensible and so incredible
And all my single friends are jealous
He says everything I need to hear and it's like
I couldn't ask for anything better
He opens up my door and I get into his car
And he says you look beautiful tonight
And I feel perfectly fine
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name
You're so in love that you act insane
And that's the way I loved you
Breakin' down and coming undone
It's a roller coaster kinda rush
And I never knew I could feel that much
And that's the way I loved you
He respects my space
And never makes me wait
And he calls exactly when he says he will
He's close to my mother
Talks business with my father
He's charming and endearing
And I'm comfortable

He can't see the smile I'm faking
And my heart's not breaking
Cause I'm not feeling anything at all
And you were wild and crazy
Just so frustrating intoxicating
Complicated, got away by some mistake and now
I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
It's 2am and I'm cursing your name
I'm so in love that I acted insane
And that's the way I loved you
- Taylor Swift

I'm still moving on. and for once i feel like the old person i used to be. (But watch, i bet my life that i will have a different approach on life tomorrow, or in the coming days...) I had a long talk with my best friend last night. i told her how i felt about guys. yes, i am a girl who complains about guys. deal with it.

All my life, people told me i was special . i was pretty, fun, energetic, loving, had a great personality. I guess it just became my nature to dismiss compliments. I'm not one to think highly of myself. i don't like celebrating anything about me as a person. i would rather beat myself down, then actaully praise myself. So now i am growing up. meeting new people, and having a great time. i feel like the girl i used to be...before all the messiness. the summer before my graduation, i had everything. i actually felt good about who i was. i loved life, i loved my friends, family, and everything that was going on in my life. then i started dating a guy, and it was great. well, a year and a half later, that all came crashing down. we broke up in June of 08, but shit has never gone away completely, for either of us. (probably genuinely for me, and well...he's a guy so he prolly just used me to mess with).
He was the love that I missed most when I was blissfully happy and perfect. He got along with my relatives, they loved him. He treated me like a princess. He was the one I have always loved.
When I was his, I was happy. But it wasn't real. Nothing that great is true. We had a love with passion, hate, love, fear, comfort, honesty, pain, happiness, laughter.
He was someone...Someone that I thought was real and true and honest... unless I found out...he was the physical entity of a fantasy I created for myself.

He fell for a girl who loved herself. she embraced herself...imperfections and everything. and because she loved herself, he fell head over heels for her. and since the shit that went down with him...i finally feel like i am that girl again. [don't get me wrong, i'm not going back to being her so he will come back...we are DONE] but before him i was so in love, with my life, friends, myself. and since the past seven months we haven't been dating, i was a wreck. in every aspect. i took it hard, and it was just a bad time. but now, i feel like i might be healing. finally. i might be getting back to myself. and in order to finally see the world that is out there, other people that are out there, i need to be with myself. and so far, i am liking the direction my life has taken me. we'll have to see where it goes.

there will always be a part of me that wonders what if with him. (and i have to admit it, because i am sick of hiding who i am. i have to be honest. to myself, and to others. i don't want to hide anymore, hide anything from anyone. if you don't like it- too bad. if it bothers you, deal with it. i hate to sound this way, but i have to put myself first right now. there will always be a part of me that will still love him, and be in love with what i had with him. he was my first everything. and i fell hard for him. Now things have changed.
I would never want to go back to someone like the guy he has turned into. i will always hold who he was in my mind...and i think that is the best place for now.